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OH MY another year passed? and yes i am here pening down my thoughts yet again.

2014 honestly haven't been kind to me. Just as i thought embarking on a new job will be pretty awesome, it actually didnt turn out exactly how i expected it to be. well lets say life is full of hmm surprises? i am trying very hard at work to keep focus. bearing in mind that it is afterall a stepping stone to elsewhere. no increment and bonus for this year just mean i have to work extra hard on weekends... yes all for the sake of money to feed my materialistic needs such as shopping and traveling. people always say money is not a big deal but at least to me it is? yeah im superficial. judge me.

next, relationship. i look back and realised what i have been going through for the past few years. i dont know if anything is worth anything. i feel super weak inside me. i made a mistake to send the text and i made everything which could have been dead, came into life again just a few months back. the main reason was cos sth happened within my family was too much to bear. first my grandpa passed away in feb/march and next, my dad's matter. i just felt so weak. i probably have been living too much of a good life, so much so when sth like that hit me, i just get crushed. i hate myself. i hate how i think and feel always full of contradiction.

i just read the quote again, it says it's never too late to do anything.

maybe it is really time i think deep about what i want.

i hate to document when i bitch about people but really, sometimes it is pretty unfair that gender are viewed differently and one gender thinks they have the right to do sth whilst the other cant. i dont know what kind of logic is that but just, this is 21st century already? what makes you think you can do it but others cant.

they say when you are in your late 20s you dont care about what people say about you cos you just wanna do your own shit which makes you happy. but i cant. it's like 3 years ago, acquaintances judge me. and i couldnt live with it and thus cut all ties hmmm indirectly. 3 years later which is now, it seems like the same shit happened and ok, i cant get over it yet. it is affecting me. OMG I NEED TO STOP CARING ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE SAY ABOUT ME. IMMUNITY BOOST.


people just dont know who you are and dont understand why you do the things you do. ok or rather they dont even try. this is reality, people judge. that hurts.


SOMETIMES, I JUST WANT TO BE ALONE.






It's amazing how I only come to this space when I have pretty sad days with lots of reflections. I am starting to lose touch and meaning and I don't seem to feel that much anymore. Each day I'm just engulfed with anger and sadness over the little insensitive things which means alot to me, but things just don't happen the way I would love them to. I really start to wonder alot these days if I made the right choice. If this was wrong then how would life be from then on if I decide to make it so called right? I need some reassurance but each step I take I feel unappreciated and demoralized. Time to time I try to put up with it, brush it off or even try to forget, but time only made everything clearer to me. I feel like I'm lying to myself and I really don't feel exactly happy. Is this the way love should be? Where did the love go? It's gonna be a huge step if I decide to take a u turn now. Really afraid of what lies ahead cos it just seem so uncertain and I could only think of the worst. Maybe in time, what doesn't kill you make you stronger will be a great song for me.




just last year i fell on both my knees, and this afternoon, i SPRAINED MY ANKLE when i wore boots and merely miss/trip over a small step. like WTF REALLY. i could hear the crack really clearly. i really need to put talimans all over my body to protect me from all accidents. why am i always so accident prone?????

it's near my essay deadline and i really dont have much time left, and i just have to sprain my ankle!!! alr so stressed. my bf just have to make it worst by saying, "you decide, it's your leg not mine." i got so angry!!! like really??? isnt a bf supposed to help make decisions or at least suggest sth wise and take care of me. if not why do i need him?? if i needed someone just to accompany me i could get anyone. isnt he supposed to be that special someone. i got so so mad. first he said up to me to see sinseh today or tomorrow. then he said up to me to decide which sinseh i wanna go. then what? he just be chaffeur send me there and back? my own leg i decide. that's really nice. if i knew i wont ask him??? if i knew which is better i wont ask for his opinion????????? arghhhh. I AM SO ANGRY.

i think next time i just settle it myself. just be independent. seriously.... argh!!!!!!







my blog has evolved into my best friend for now. it has turned into a place which i always end up tearing at.

for only a weekend those negative thoughts went away and i really felt like the most fortunate girl on earth. but now, they are back to haunt me again. it always happen to me. ya, why me?

everytime it happens, i just wanna run away cos i dont wanna get hurt. i dont wanna feel like the world is ending again. i never want to feel it again, ever. i always wonder when i will break free from all the sadness on earth. i think about it almost all the time. have i made a wrong step??? i really cannot tell. i wish someone could enlighten me. or guide me out of darkness. i cannot even feel and make sense of whats right and whats best for me. i got lost halfway. was i wrong from the start?? i wanna scream to the sky.

i really feel dejected at times, and i have been sick for a month. my throat never fully recovered despite 2 visits to the doctor. fever, sore throat and cough keeps coming back. what the hell is wrong with me. the moment i recover i eat junk again. the moment everything was right, i make mistakes again. kill me just kill me please.

is it time for me to change route now that i got lost... i am constantly at the verge of giving up. instead of writing essay i just spent time typing this essay instead..... what is wrong with me :'(









shit always happen. always happen to me. the thing i want to do the most, i dont get support from the one i love. and what i wish for the most, never happened to me. my life is not like a fairytale. my life isnt perfect. but who is?

feeling so disappointed and frustrated at the moment. it just kills everything. sometimes i just get too hard up on a thing and it affects me a hell lot, in a bad way. if you ask me what will make me feel a pinch, that would be to pay for mistakes. in money terms. and i really feel the pain. LIKE PAYING FOR NOTHING IN THE END?!

ytd i watched benjamin button again, and i learnt something. “You can be as mad as a mad dog at the way things went, you can curse the fates, but when it comes to the end, you have to let go.” in the show it was actually a scene with the captain dying. but i thought it can be applied to daily life. but perhaps not let go in this case. let go and "move on" might be a better term. 

sidetrack abit but this is awesome:
“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.” 
― Eric Roth, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button screenplay

feeling better suddenly after consoling myself. these are stuff running through my mind that might seem ridiculous. but previously i have seen through life, and indeed, it is better if i took everything with open mind and not get too hard up on things which didnt mean anything to others. others can eat live breathe without you, then why bother thinking and getting affected by it.


im gonna let nature takes its course. for now, it will just be a day unplanned. no expectation allow my heart to be at peace. i wont bother wasting cash to plan another stayover. it just reminds me of the wasted money.

ok let go let go. and move on. heading out to have nice lunch and movie. adios.




havent log in to blogger for so long. why does it look so different now -.-||

anyway i know i suck luh. i always come to this space when i suddenly want to pen down my thoughts just cos i have no one to share it with. why so sad..

this has really been an eventful year both good and bad. and for now, school is getting from bad to worse. I JUST CANT GET IT RIGHT. i suddenly feel a lack of inspiration. i hate it when the lecturers KEEP ASKING what is my dream. i really have NO SOLID DREAM. maybe cos i have no confidence. or i just dont plan. BUT, i know that i always put in 200 percent when it comes to work, like serious stuff. and honestly i dont know whats the road ahead of me is gonna be like. of course i am afraid cos i want to get a high pay job which i enjoy. where to find such job uh... but i still wanna believe i can do it. i want to enjoy work.

now even a 2nd upper class seem so out of reach to me. i wanna do well, but i really dont know how. i want my parents to be proud of me but i dont know how.

i cant even handle stuff like r/s properly. i really dont know if im still behaving like a kid, okay sometimes i really do, or i am just suitable to be alone. like my previous post, just me and myself against the world. i wanna scream out to the world, why am i always such a failure???? CRY.

yes, now you see all my negative thoughts but i always appear brave and positive in front of people cos i still want to believe in happiness.

if you read my blog, i know you're one of the super rare ones who still care about me. thank you.


super emo night, now i got no mood to do my 3k word essay again sighhhhh.

also, this thing keep running through my mind. time taught me that things can never be reversed and never be the same like it was. once you missed the stop, that's it. no room for regrets. suck it uppppp :(


sorry goodnight.

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